


The Thirteenth Step

by ExOnEv



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Boys Kissing, Derek Morgan - Freeform, Drug Addiction, Friendship, Heartbreaking, M/M, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Violent Crime Scene, criminal minds - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExOnEv/pseuds/ExOnEv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After almost dying from anthrax poisoning, Dr. Spencer Reid has been gradually coming to terms with something that had never crossed his mind before: How he really feels about Derek Morgan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Perspective

Something told him not to do it. Something else told him he may not get another chance. Spencer Reid sat at his desk and fumbled over and over with the pencil in his hand. He let a sigh escape him and then he rubbed his eyes, not sure if he was trying to give up or if he was just distracting himself. He made a conscious effort to stop his foot and leg from shaking up and down.

"Hey, man," Morgan said from somewhere behind him. Reid's head spun around like his neck was made of rubber. He didn't say anything in response. "What the hell are you still doin' here? Go home. Get some sleep."

Reid looked back to his desk and cleared his throat as he pursed his lips. "I can't," he replied, straightening his back and pulling himself closer to his desk.

Morgan shook his head. "Can't? Or won't? This only happens when you got somethin' on your mind. What's botherin' you, kid?" Morgan sat on the edge of Reid's desk and waited for him to answer.

Reid got nervous. "I ju-just mean I have some things to finish here."

"That's bullshit."

"No… I don't bullshit. I have a job to do," Reid frowned. A profiler never enjoyed being profiled. "And don't profile me," he said, almost whispering.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me," Reid wasn't sure where his attitude was coming from.

"I'm not profilin' you. You're my friend. There's a difference."

A silence filled the space between them until Reid spoke. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Morgan lifted off of Reid's desk in a quick motion. Reid thought maybe Morgan was just going to leave him be and say a goodnight until he realized he felt Morgan standing in the space behind him. Reid immediately tensed as he felt big and strong hands land on his shoulders.  _What is Morgan doing_?, he thought.  _Is this really happening?_  Reid could count each digit as their heat began to radiate through the thin fabric of his button up shirt. His shoulders were both squeezed four times each. In slow unison. In perfect rhythm. Morgan's thumbs pressed into Reid's lower neck. And each squeeze of Morgan's hands pulled Reid's consciousness deeper and deeper, lulling his tired body. Reid could sense the chemicals releasing from his brain… something like euphoria. It was something sweet and comforting, bottomless and quiet. It was also arousing. Did Morgan know his hands were weapons of seduction? He must. Reid chided himself. He shouldn't be thinking these thoughts.

Still feeling the compression in his muscles, but knowing Morgan had stopped Reid opened his eyes, only then realizing he had even closed them. Morgan was leaning against his desk in nearly the same spot as before and he was smiling at him. "I can tell by the look on your face you need some rest. Go home."

Reid cleared his throat and tried unsuccessfully to seem unfazed. "What look is that?" Reid wondered out loud, only slightly curious. His eyelids were heavy. He was completely relaxed; like that mini-massage had released all his worry at the moment. And thank God for that because that was veiling how much he was reeling on the inside. Aside from the arrhythmia he was experiencing, his mind was becoming quickly over stimulated with the thoughts of all of his hopes and dreams creeping back into his conscious, reminding him of what he wanted.

"You look stoned, kid."

He didn't let his expression change at all, but Reid hated Morgan for saying that. He forgave him just as quickly. Besides, Morgan didn't mean anything by it. Reid knew that.

"You obviously liked that a little too much," Morgan continued.

"Uh, what are you talking about?" Reid's face got hot and he could feel each bead of sweat forming on his forehead. He nervously moved his hair behind his ears so his face could breathe. He cringed as he began to feel himself sweating everywhere from every pore.  _Well, crap,_ he thought.  _Morgan isn't gonna overlook that._

And Morgan  _was_  eyeballing him pretty hard. "Maybe you should see a masseuse once a week. Hell, twice – three  _times_  a week. You need a little more 'touchy feely' from the ladies. Everyone needs more of that." Reid finally looked up at Morgan to see him smiling with that intoxicating grin.

"Right…" Reid nodded as he stretched the word out, trying to act interested. That only earned him a strange look from Morgan, so he changed the subject, much like he always did. "Drive me home?"

Morgan shook his keys in his palm. "Let's go."

* * *

The drive was quiet. Morgan hummed along to the radio. Reid watched the city lights blur in and blur out as he struggled to focus. The cab of the SUV was dark except for passing shadows and speeding glances of Morgan's face. "Does Hotch know you take this thing home at night?" Reid was just making conversation.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" Morgan responded.

"Of course it does. Unless it's displaced or in captivity outside of its natural habitat – I don't understand what that has to do-"

"Never mind. The answer is yes."

"Oh."

Silence wedged itself between them the rest of the ride. Reid kept asking himself if tonight was the night, if this moment was the moment, if now was the right time. He swore that every other second he felt different about it. He was changing his mind over and over again. It was exhausting. He let the drone of the V8 engine distract him while he let the motion of the vehicle rock him into a slumber. He was almost asleep when he felt the inertia from Morgan parking the Suburban.

"See ya tomorrow."

Reid took a second to rub his face with both hands trying to wake up.  _Now or never_ , he thought. "Wanna come up and have a beer?" Reid said hoping he would.

Morgan glanced at his watch and considered it. It had just hit the 9:00 o'clock hour. "Uh.. Yeah. Okay."

They were at Reid's door when Morgan laughed. Reid chuckled too, but didn't know why they were laughing.

"Did I miss something?" Reid finally said, turning the key.

"No, man. It just felt for a second like you're trying to get me alone. If I wake up with a condom hangin' out my ass and the entire room smells like burnt rubber, you better have some sneakers on, boy."

"Chasing me down will be hard to do with your pants around your ankles. In fact, statistically speaking, the odds of you actua-," Morgan wacked Reid on the back of his head as they walked in and made their way to the dark kitchen.

"I think just the  _anticipation_  of alcohol has you drunk. I can't believe you just joked with me about that kinda thing." Morgan's eyes carefully weighed on Reid, trying to figure him out. "You're off. Everything about you is different. I've noticed it for a little while now. What gives?" Morgan lit up the kitchen as he took two beers from the refrigerator, handing one to Reid.

Reid turned on the light. He quickly opened his beer and tossed the bottle cap into the sink. Morgan followed suit. Reid could feel Morgan's energy. He had this brotherly love vibe and it was making Reid nervous as hell. He swore he could actually feel panic nipping at his heels. He had nowhere to run, really. He was already home. He took a long drink and wiped his mouth. Morgan was waiting for an answer. Reid had no idea what to say even after rehearsing this moment endlessly, variable after variable. None of that mattered now though. The moment was here. It was right here. In front of him and happening in his kitchen. He smiled to himself, so nervously.

"Morgan…" He started. He took a small step, just to steady himself on his own two feet and felt an all too familiar shooting pain slice through his left knee. He limped and winced automatically. Then he chuckled timidly, trying to laugh it off. "Wow, my knee hasn't bothered me in a while."

"Reid," Morgan said sternly. "You're officially stal-"

"Anthrax," Reid cut him off.

"What?" Morgan looked very concerned. Being reminded how he almost lost his best friend left him so inexplicably confused.  _Why is Reid bringing this up now?_

"Funny little thing, anthrax," Reid wouldn't look Morgan in the eye. "Kinda puts things in perspective, you know?"

"Reid?" Morgan stepped closer. "What's goin' on, man?"

Reid could only look down. "I've been trying to rationalize this. I've read articles, books… I've tried everything to talk myself out of it. Thing is, I still don't know what I'm doing." Reid paused, trying to hold in an uneasy laugh. "I uhh, I-I'm not very good at this…" He let out a sigh trying to relax his heart. It was too late to turn back now.

Morgan watched in surprise as Reid finished off his beer. He had barely got a couple drinks down himself. "What, Reid? What are you talking about?"

"Morgan…" Reid finally looked Morgan in the eyes. "I can't stop thinking about you."


	2. Everything Will Break

Reid realized something. He could hear nothing but the silence. The more he focused on it, the louder it became. It was like white noise… white noise with a pulse. His pulse. He couldn't ignore it. That would have been an impossible feat, but he tried and that only made it worse. His body began to betray him again. His heart continued pounding hard against his rib cage while every breath he took felt thinner than the one before it. His stomach started tying itself into knots and he couldn't believe just how beyond scared he was. Reid wasn't dealing with an unsub here. This was Morgan. This meant more than outwitting a criminal or jumping into the path of a bullet, so _scared_ was not the best word to describe how Reid was feeling in this moment. This was a moment that felt like hours that felt that days that felt like weeks. This moment was petrifying and excruciating. It was all he could do to maintain eye contact with Morgan and not jump out of his own skin.

Why wasn't Morgan saying anything?

Reid swallowed hard against his dry throat as he watched his friend very carefully. The distance between them grew as Morgan began to step back. And though he had only taken a couple paces, Reid's ego plummeted and he struggled to hide it in his face. He closed his mouth tight and began biting his lips from the inside. He could feel his eyes getting wet. His fingers rubbed against his thumbs when his fists weren't gripping tightly onto something that wasn't there.

"C- Can you please say something?" Reid asked, he begged.

Morgan turned away and clasped his hands on top of his head. Reid stared at his dark grey slacks and noted his very thin red sweater. He looked good. He _always_ looked _so_ good.. "Reid, Reid, Reid…" Morgan whispered at the wall. That snapped Reid back into the moment. Shaking his head, Morgan turned around to meet Reid's eyes again. "I don't know what you want me to say, man."

They stood in silence for several more minutes. All of Reid's sweat glands were working overtime now and he felt like he could overheat at any moment. He could feel the moisture at his hair line. "Well…" Reid gulped. He stepped to the counter next to Morgan who blatantly measured the close space between their arms with his eyes.

Morgan thought maybe, just maybe he had misunderstood. "What do you mean? I mean- what _exactly_ do you mean?" he had to ask. Reid needed to be crystal clear on this. Morgan watched while he waited for a response. Reid was staring down at his own fingers on the counter. "Reid, hey, look at me."

Reid turned his entire body to face Morgan, his eyes shifting nervously, but he wasn't able to actually look at Morgan. He felt like such a child, like he had done something wrong. He quickly tried to think back to a time he had taken such a risk that left him feeling this way. He couldn't recall any such time. He couldn't recall a moment when loving someone hurt. Not like this.

"I have…" Reid started. His voice was weak and unsure. His eyebrows came together as he swallowed. Reid wanted to just say the words. It was more difficult than his imagination had ever led him to believe. "I uhh, I have feelings for you." He looked away again, only to stare at the pattern on the floor. He began to cling to the irrational thought that if he could lose himself in that pattern, he would wake up from this paralyzing dream.

Morgan's eyebrows rose and his lips had parted as his tongue licked at the back of his lower center teeth. Well, there was no way to misunderstand that. His jaw clenched. Before Morgan could even process this, the investigator in him needed to know more. He took a deep breath and forced his reaction to the back burner. He looked at Reid again and saw that he was zoning out. He snapped his fingers once in front of Reid's tunnel vision towards the floor. "You with me?" He waited for Reid to look at him again. "When did this start?" Morgan seemed ready to hear it, ready to listen.

"When I woke up in the hospital and you were eating my jello." A slight smile formed on Reid's lips. That was a happy memory.

Morgan thought back…"That was a long time ago, Reid. Why did you wait so long to say anything?"

"I was confused. I wanted to be sure." His statements had the lingering of question marks behind them.

"You do realize I'm not gay, right?"

"I'm not either," Reid nearly rolled his eyes at himself thinking that must have sounded ridiculous to Morgan. "I don't look at you and think about you as a lover... not all the time anyway." He paused, not sure what to expect in response to what he had just said. "I, uhh… I don't know. What I feel goes deeper than that."

Morgan looked at his fist and forced his hand to open. He had been diggin' into his own flesh with his fingernails. Old memories became bright and vivid for him as he stood there with Reid. Morgan saw himself as the kid he used to be, scared, but trying and all the darkness he felt so trapped in. Reid turned to look at Morgan because he’d been quiet for too long. When he really watched him, his brow came together as he could see something change in Morgan. It was like hostility had emerged from some dark place inside Morgan and he could actually feel a wall go up, separating them. "I'm really sorry to burst your bubble, man, but it ain't ever gonna happen." Morgan pushed off the counter and looked at his watch. "I gotta go."

That happened too fast. Way too fast. "Wait!" Reid had a fight or flight response and grabbed Morgan's arm as he began to walk away. "Please, Morgan. Stay and talk to me," Reid's eyes begged of him. "You always said I could talk to you about anything."

With anger painting hard lines on his face, Morgan ripped his arm from Reid's grasp, leaving Reid frozen in place with both hands up, palms out, not daring to touch him again. "NO!" His tone both surprised and scared Reid. "You don't get to do that, Reid."

Reid's Adam's apple bobbed up and down his throat as he swallowed nervously. "Do what?" Reid didn't understand. Morgan obviously meant something very specific.

"You can't just lay this on me and expect me to be okay with it. You're my friend. I love you like _family_. And you just fucked _everything_ up." Morgan bit his lower lip and then shook his head, visibly upset. "I can't even look at you right now."

"Morgan, wait," Reid said as he tried to step in front of Morgan. "You don't have to leave." Reid felt so desperate.

"Yeah, I do," he said very abruptly. Morgan walked with determination to the door. It was like he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Reid had no chance of getting to the door before Morgan had it swung open and was walking down the hallway. "Morgan!" he called out. Would anything make him come back? He remembered his car was still at work. "My car!"

"You're a genius!" Morgan yelled back without turning around. "You'll figure it out!" He was already turning the corner.

"Morgan…" He shouted quietly, having given up. "Whh-," his mouth puffed out in a defeated breath. "…Wait," he whispered. He stood in place for as long as it took him to move again, which felt like forever. Closing the door behind him, he leaned on it for support. He didn't know if that could have gone any more badly than it had.

Reid finally dead bolted the door and walked back into the kitchen. Dumping out Morgan's beer, he felt a rush of emotion in his chest. It was hard to hold it back. He wanted to breakdown. He could feel his nerves tingling with regret. It was making his stomach twist and he wrapped one arm around his torso at an attempt to comfort himself.

It didn't work.

What now? Reid rubbed his eyes and headed to his bedroom. He plopped down on his bed and then let himself fall backwards to gaze at the dark ceiling. Even given the time zone difference, it was kind of late, but he considered calling his mother. Talking to her always made him feel better - about anything. But he didn't want to bother her even it was still early in Nevada… Besides, she would know something was wrong and he wasn't ready for _that_ conversation.

He crossed his arms over his head and eyes hoping he could just disappear into a void of darkness. He wanted to be free of any and all thought, especially any thoughts of Derek Morgan. But of course, it wasn't that easy. Morgan crept into his mind after every thought he used to try to not think of him. He thought about the beach and then he'd see Morgan throwin' a frisbee to their non-existent dog. Stupid, silly fantasy… He thought about what he ate for lunch and then he'd remember how he watched Morgan from across the way while he ate. He thought about the case they were working on and next he'd remember all of Morgan's good input. He even thought about his kiss with Lila and then remembered how he had looked to Morgan for advice afterward. It never failed. Morgan was everywhere in his thoughts and everyday life. Reid couldn't escape him.

Tears began to slip from his eyes, rolling down his temples and into his hair. It had been so difficult to work beside Morgan while he had been mulling this over. He had to see him in the morning and at night, tolerate his driving, had to catch the bad guys with him, have his back, talk with him… And he always looked so good, made Reid laugh, always spoke to him with respect and had a gentle enough nature to put up with Reid's socially awkward ways. He had to survive Morgan's smile, his scent, his soft tone and his alpha presence, all without being noticed. And Reid did… for a while. Now the cat was out of the bag and everything was going to change. Morgan was right. Reid was so angry with himself for that. He was so selfish to have said anything at all. He cried hard and he cried for as long as he could produce the tears, knowing he needed to, thinking he deserved the worse for having hurt Morgan; having ruined their friendship.

Reid rolled over and grunted into his bedding, frustrated. He forced himself up and headed to the bathroom, intending on a hot shower. He caught his reflection in the mirror and stopped to stare because he didn't recognize himself. His lips were red and his eyes were puffy. There were red blotches all over his face. He leaned over the sink to get a closer look at himself. He wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight and regardless of that, he was going to look horrible in the morning. How was he going to face Morgan, much less anyone else? There were going to be questions. Even just general 'you look like death warmed over' comments… Reid was already thinking about calling in sick which was something he never did.

He felt like he had something to hide again…

That very second he recalled something that was never very far from his thoughts as a recovering drug addict. A hydromorphone induced euphoria would be one way to escape this, even if just for the night. And with just that one thought, a craving for Dilaudid hit him with a vengeance and his eyes closed as he tried to remember the high it gave him; weightless and peaceful.

But a memory wasn't going to be enough to cut through this.

 

 


	3. Curb Rash

Morgan hovered over Garcia with his hand on her shoulder. "Alright, so cross reference any early '90s Supras and that partial plate in all counties surrounding and including Multnomah County." Garcia's fingers began to smoke on the keyboard and the monitor directly in front of her frenzied to keep up. He let his thumb rub gently against the top of her shoulder blade. He tried to read the information she was sifting through as quickly as her, but he couldn't do it. Morgan was impressed by her, as always. "You never cease to amaze me, Garcia."

"Keep talking to me like that, lover boy..." she threatened.

"…And what?"

"And nothing. Just keep talkin' to me like that." They both grinned at their banter. Morgan breathed her in. She was such a wonderful person. She had one the purest hearts he'd ever known.

There were several counties to check so Morgan patiently waited, focusing on this little task at hand. He was very tired. It had been a long night for him. A very long and strange night.. He didn't sleep well. Not after what happened with Reid.

The door opened and soon Hotch was hovering over them. "Any luck?"

"Not yet, sir," Garcia said. "Still… looking…" She was in the zone.

Morgan moved away from Garcia so he could stand up straight next to Hotch. "That plate and the car are probably _both_ stolen. We might be chasing our tails here," Morgan stated.

"Keep looking," Hotch encouraged. "The victim is positive about everything, right down to the scent tree. She'll be able to confirm the details if we can just find the car and its driver." Hotch was as serious as he ever was. All business. He left as quietly as he came in, shutting the door behind him.

Morgan moved back into Garcia's personal space and said, "The victim said this car was in showroom condition. Let's assume this car _isn't_ stolen. If this unsub is a Toyota Supra enthusiast and he's used his pride and joy to help him commit his crimes?" He shook his head. "You just can't fix stupid."

Garcia took a deep breath and continued typing. "That's gonna work in our favor. He'd be registered, licensed, insured and flaunt-ehhh…"

Morgan couldn't help but laugh a little. He loved that woman. "Yeah, he may even race it professionally." After fighting off a yawn, he continued, "I just don't understand why he let her go. Kidnap her, rape her, act like you did her a favor and then let her live to identify you later?"

Garcia sighed. "Don't ask me. I will never understand."

The door opened. It was Hotch. Again. Morgan looked over his shoulder in question. "Have either of you heard from Reid?" Hotch asked. "His car is here, but no one has seen him."

Deep concern struck Morgan as he realized he hadn't seen Reid that morning yet either. He immediately took his phone from its holster and speed dialed the genius boy wonder; the same genius boy wonder who evidently couldn't make it to work. "I took him home last night," he told Hotch and Garcia as the call connected. "I figured he could take the bus or something."

The phone rang and rang. And rang. And then voicemail. "Reid, hey… Where you at? Call me." Morgan looked to Hotch.

"Is there reason to believe he's in any danger?" That would seem like an odd jump to conclusion if they weren't in the line of work they were in.

"Nah, man. He was fine when I left. He shoulda been goin' straight to bed," Morgan didn't like fibbing to Hotch. Reid wasn't fine. He was upset. Morgan knew that. The guilt landed in Morgan's gut like a boulder. "You know what? I'll just go check on him." Hotch nodded and Morgan started walking. "Baby girl, you keep lookin' for that car."

"On it!" She called out to him as he slipped out the door.

Morgan was already dialing Reid again as he left the building. And no answer. "What the hell, Reid?" he mumbled as he loaded himself into the SUV. He left the parking lot in a hurry, chirping the tires. As he weaved in and out of traffic, he thought back to last night. What had happened had thrown him for a loop. He never would have guessed _that_ from Reid.

Reid was a smart guy… A little naïve when it came to relationships though. He _has_ to be confused. It _has_ to be misdirected emotion or something. Morgan tried to convince himself this was temporary and that it would blow over. "Ha!" Morgan laughed after the words he'd just thought came to light. "Blow over." Another ten minutes of driving and Morgan was within a block of Reid's place… He tapped the steering wheel with his thumb as he waited at the red light. He wondered if he could handle this… handle Reid crushin' on him. Maybe it would be tolerable if Reid just kept it to himself. He gunned the green light and parked at the nearest open spot big enough to fit the Suburban.

On his way into the building, he was calling Reid again. Still no answer. He hit the up arrow for the elevator, but chose not to wait after seeing what floor it was on. He started heading up the stairs since it was only a few flights. Huffin' just a little, he finally got to Reid's door and knocked. He listened… He couldn't hear anything, no sounds of anyone coming to the door. He knocked again. Louder. He waited. Still nothing. Then Morgan banged on the door.

"Hey…"

Morgan turned around only to see Reid. It took a second for him to wipe the confused look off his face. "Where have you been?" He was so relieved to see him. He wouldn't let himself think the worst, but he knew his rejection hurt Reid pretty badly. Morgan noticed he looked a little worse for wear. He certainly didn't look rested. Those circles under his eyes were darker than normal and his hair had not been brushed.

"I saw the Suburban when I was leaving, so I came back to find you." He was speaking so softly. Timid.

"No, man. Why didn't you come to work? And what? You're not taking my calls?"

Reid's eyes shifted back and forth a bit. "I… I didn't feel good." He hoped that last question was rhetorical.

Morgan frowned at Reid and looked him up and down. Brown cords, purple button up and a magenta tie… a brown sweater vest …sneakers and his man purse. Same old Reid, but somethin' was different. He was holding back; hiding something. He couldn't put his finger on it so Morgan held his tongue for the time being. "You ready?"

Reid seemed a little surprised, but was happy to tell him that yes, he was. They walked down the corridor to the elevator and without last night being mentioned, Reid felt some of his tension ease. Maybe Morgan would forget any of it ever happened and things could just go back to the way they were. But the thought of knowing what he wanted was never going to happened made his heart heavy and he could feel it weighing him down.

When they reached the elevator doors, they stopped and looked at each other. They both recalled the time when they got stuck in one that had malfunctioned and stopped between floors causing them to panic. "Stairs," they said in unison.

"You gotta call in when you're gonna be late, Reid," Morgan scolded as they made their way down the flights.

Reid had a hard time keeping up with Morgan. He seemed winded. "I thought- I thought I did."

"Nobody heard from you, man." Soon Morgan was pushing the doors open and the outside air blew into him from the draft. Reid's hair caught the wind and was rearranged instantly. Then were outside, onto the sidewalk and quickly hopping into the SUV in no time at all. Morgan seemed to be rushing them.

As Reid fussed with his hair, the still puzzled look on his face kept Morgan from starting the vehicle. "You okay?" As Morgan watched Reid's long arms moving around as he fixed his hair, he remembered something he noticed in the hallway. Reid was scratching his right arm. Morgan's heart sank.

"Yeah, I just…" Reid's eyes moved back and forth. "I remember calling."

"Who did you talk to?" Morgan asked as he wondered what Reid's arm looked like under that sleeve.

"Uhh…" Again Reid's face was covered with a huge question mark. "I don't… remember." He seemed as astonished as Morgan.

"Mr. Memory Bank? Impossible. Just admit you didn't call." Morgan started the rig and signaled to pull out into the roadway.

"It must have been a dream or something. I remember it. I remember… something."

And it was quiet again. For a while. Reid looked up to the cloudy sky, squinting. Morgan hummed along to the radio. Both of them wondered how so much could change in just over 12 hours.

"I'm sorry about last night," Reid finally said.

"Nah, I was an ass. I didn't handle it well and I'm the one who's sorry." And he really was. He felt now that he had completely overreacted. If nothing else, he had to make things right with Reid. Get things back to the way they were or as close to that as he could get.

"You were pretty angry… Understandably so…" Reid kept rubbing and scratching at his right arm. And it _still_ didn't go unnoticed by Morgan. "I mean- I know what happened. To you. When you were younger."

_ God damn it. _ Morgan felt his stomach flip and he had to grip the steering wheel tight and press his lips together to not kill Reid for bringing that up. He let a breath pass through his nose and out of the corner of his eye he could see Reid looking at him gauging his reaction. "We're not gonna talk about that."

Reid slowly faced forward again, like he was next to an animal that would strike if he were to make any sudden movements. Morgan kept driving, breathing deep and letting the traffic distract him. That was until he saw Reid scratch at his arm again.

"Alright. That's it," Morgan mumbled quietly. Reid held onto the center console and the trim panel for dear life as Morgan abruptly veered to the side of the street, bumping the curb with the right front tire. He turned off the engine, took the keys and checked the side rear view mirror before opening his door. Reid flinched as the door slammed shut. Morgan had to ignore the fearful look on Reid's face as he walked around the front of the vehicle to the passenger side. He hated himself for what he was about to do.

Morgan opened Reid's door and instantly grabbed at Reid's arm, not letting him out of the vehicle. Reid fought to take his arm back, but Morgan was strong. "Show me your arm," he ordered trying to get the sleeve to unbutton or roll up. "You usin' again?" Embarrassed and wishing he could hide, Reid looked all around them. A couple had just passed by and gave concerned looks.

"What? No-" Reid whimpered, his voice several octaves higher than normal. He took Morgan's arm in his free hand, pushing and pulling as he tried to regain control of his own arm, but failed.

"Do _not_ lie to me." Morgan and Reid kept fighting over Reid's flailing arm. He braced himself on all the surrounding pillars of the door opening to gain some leverage from Morgan and the SUV shook with his shifting weight.

"Please, Morgan..." Reid kept trying to pull his arm away, but Morgan had his fist in a death grip. "If you care anything about me…"

Morgan stopped cold, locking eyes with Reid. "That has _got_ to be _the_ _dumbest_ thing I've ever heard you say." _Was this guy kidding?_ No way was he gonna let Reid relapse over something that happened between them and not do anything about it.

"I'm not ly-" Reid looked down as his eyes danced back and forth… He licked his lips and tried to say the words. "I-I…" He had no confidence in anything else he was going to say and chose not to continue, knowing Morgan would see right through him no matter what words came spilling out.

Morgan looked Reid square in the eye, inches from his face, just to stare him down. He watched Reid's eyes tear up. "Show me… your arm."


	4. Aura

Reid shut his eyes and held them closed, letting the warm tears stream down his face. His lips puckered slightly as he swallowed. He sniffed, cleared his throat and only then reluctantly began to roll up his sleeve. He was done fighting.

This was killing Morgan to see Reid like this. There was no better way to say it. How could he get around essentially telling Reid that he didn't believe him?

Once Reid had moved the sleeve up as far as it would go, Morgan man-handled his arm, looking for a little red mark or an unmistakable injection point. He could see where Reid had been scratching and right at the center of that was a singular puncture mark. Any anger Morgan had left in him dissolved completely. "I'm- I'm so sorry, Morgan." Reid said, his voice cracking from the lump in his throat.

"I don't understand why, Reid. Why would you throw everything away?"

"I, uhh…" Reid started, knowing he would have no excuse that would satisfy. He tried to find the right words. "After last night, I felt like I was breaking inside."

"Over me?" Morgan was beginning to understand how deep Reid's feelings really were. He let go of Reid's arm and headed around to the back of the vehicle, bringing back a small first aid kit. Reid watched as Morgan readied an alcohol wipe. "Reid, man, you gotta do better than that."

"I don't expect you to understand." Reid's voice was quiet and his tone was honest. Morgan stretched his arm out and used the alcohol wipe on the injection area and wherever Reid had been scratching.

"You're right. I don't get it. We all got our demons. We _all_ lose our way sometimes." Morgan held Reid's arm extended out as the alcohol evaporated. "But you threw away your recovery and you risked dying... Was it worth it?"

Reid didn't answer right away. Morgan got a band aid over the tiny wound. He had no idea if this would stop any infection or not, but he did know it wouldn't hurt. "I'll get back to you on that…" Reid finally said.

Morgan didn't like that little sidestep. He let go of Reid's arm and brought his hand to the side of Reid's neck and shoulder. Then Morgan leaned down into his Reid's space again and Reid felt a rush of heat come from his gut and travel all the way up into his shoulders. He tried not to shudder. "Promise me you won't do that again."

Reid cleared his throat. "Yeah… of course," he nodded.

"I ain't messin' around. You promise me." Morgan watched Reid very carefully who couldn't even make eye contact. "If it takes you callin' me every time it crosses your mind, I'll be there for you. Just promise me."

Reid saw an opportunity here. "I promise," he said. Morgan's face showed some relief and he pulled away from Reid, "but I need a promise from you."  Reid looked at Morgan with hopeful eyes.

"Sure, man. Anything."

"Promise me you'll consider it? That you'll let it cross your mind?"

It took a second, but Morgan understood Reid loud and clear. And he didn't answer Reid. He didn't appear interested. He didn't even get mad. He just grabbed the first aid kit and walked around the front of the vehicle. He landed himself in the front seat, tossing the first aid kit into the back. Reid shut his door and turned briefly to look where the kit had landed. He buckled himself in and turned to watch Morgan. He was waiting for some sort of sign of acknowledgment. But Morgan started the SUV, buckled and pulled out into traffic.

After reaching work, Reid sat quietly in the SUV with Morgan. With the engine off, every noise each of them made seemed to be amplified. Even just breathing or the slight rustling of fabric echoed in Reid's ears. This only felt a little awkward. Reid was patient. He was waiting to follow suit. He would get out when Morgan chose to get out. "I'm not gonna tell anyone about this." Morgan turned to look at Reid. "You're okay to work?"

"Uhh, yeah. I think I'll be okay. I just need some food and distraction."

"You don't have _any_ of that shit on you, right?"

"No!" Reid said quickly. "No, I- I don't."

"We're gonna have to keep an eye on your arm. Let me know if it gets infected."

Reid smiled just a tiny bit. _We_. He looked around the large parking garage and wished it was just a little darker. He wished he could just freely lean over to Morgan and kiss him. Taking in a deep breath, he could smell Morgan's cologne. It was such a familiar and comfortable smell. "Yeah, I will."

"If anyone cares, you didn't feel well, slept in, all that, okay?"

"Yeah," Reid repeated. He unbuckled, leaned forward and picked up his satchel from the floor board, throwing the strap over his head and shoulder. Then he waited. Morgan still wasn't getting out of the Suburban. "Is something wrong?"

Morgan turned to look at Reid while his jaw was actively clenching and then said, "Nah." With that, he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened his door. Nothing was said as they walked through the garage.

The elevator ride up felt like a short one to Reid, although any alone time with Morgan always felt like he was continuously being cheated. He didn't get nearly as much as he wanted or even hoped for. He began to feel some anxiety when they were three levels from their floor, having only one thought on his mind. "Come over tonight?" he blurted.

Morgan looked at Reid with a 'deer in the headlights' expression on his face until he righted himself. Reid raised his brow waiting for a response. He felt brave. His lock on Morgan was unwavering. A few more seconds passed and the elevator doors opened, slicing right through whatever had tethered them at that moment. Morgan moved to step out and Reid quickly stepped in front of him. Reid's aggressive behavior had taken Morgan off guard a bit. He was blatantly blocking Morgan and didn't act like he would budge without a slight scene occurring. "You got balls, kid. I'll give you that." Morgan looked around briefly before stepping around the boy genius and into the lobby.

Reid smiled to himself and followed Morgan into the BAU. Prentiss and JJ gave a warm hello as he sat at his desk. Morgan teased Reid in front of the girls and everyone laughed, including Reid. Things felt somewhat normal. After he had got settled at his desk, Reid watched Morgan get up and head into Hotch's office. He couldn't help but wish he was a fly on the wall in that room.

When Morgan walked out, Reid intently watched him and waited for an "all clear" sign of some sort, but Morgan wouldn't look at him. Then his desk phone rang. "Yeah, Hotch," he answered, seeing the extension number on the display. "Yeah, I'll be right up." He took a deep breath and caught Prentiss' eye.

"Everything alright?" she asked.

Reid just gave her a nervous half smile and pushed his chair in. He slipped both of his hands into his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward a bit as he walked. He took one look back to Morgan who wasn't anywhere to be found. His confidence tilted a little and he could feel his arm itch. He opened his eyes wide, blinking a few times as he walked up the small staircase. He wasn't high anymore, but he didn't feel 100% either. He tucked his hair behind his ears and cleared his throat before he knocked and opened the door.

"Have a seat, Reid."

And so he did. "Hotch?" he began. "I'm really s-"

"Don't apologize." Hotch's monotone voice was a tad jarring. Reid cleared his throat and pursed his lips. "Just don't let it happen again." He looked Reid over and continued. "You really don't look well. Are you sure you're alright?"

"I- I, uhh, I'm just really tired. I need to eat."

"If you're ill and need some time off, just say so."

"Hotch, I'm fine. I'm actually doing pretty well. I feel almost …good." Reid let an honest to goodness smile pass across his face.

Hotch's expression amused Reid. It went a concerned father to ' _do I know this guy?'_ in about three seconds. But then Hotch stood up and walked from his desk to the door. Reid got up to walk out with him. "My door is always open… if you should need anything."

"I know. Thanks, Hotch."

Reid bee lined it for the bagels next. He really was starving. After spreading some of the whipped cream cheese on the two halves, he began eating it right at the counter. As he chewed, he readied some coffee.

"Hey, man."

Reid's heart jumped into his throat. That unmistakable voice. "Hey," Reid replied back. He wondered if he was glowing. He sure felt like it.

"Hotch easy on ya?"

"Yeah."

"Good," Morgan said. "Now get ready to go. We have a murder scene to go check out." He reached up and squeezed Reid's shoulder and proceeded to walk away. Reid listened as he got Garcia on the phone to ask her if she had found anything a search from this morning. As his voice trailed off, Reid turned around to face the wall and let himself bask in the vibe that Morgan just left him with.


	5. Chopsticks

Rage. Overkill. There was blood everywhere. Reid couldn't get the images out of his head. Today's crime scene was… a lot to take in. He wasn't surprised it was still on his mind.

He blew out a deep breath and lazily pulled the satchel strap over the top of his head, rubbing it against his hair in all the wrong directions. Glancing at the microwave, he saw that it said it was 8:15pm, but he double checked his watch out of habit. He felt exhausted from all that had transpired that day. The bag landed on the floor and Reid nudged it until it was next to the nearest couch.

Unbuttoning his sweater vest, he walked through the darkness of the one hallway his apartment had and into the bedroom. One quick balancing act and his shoes were off. Loosening his tie, he ambled back to the living room area. "No, not now…" He sat down hard onto his sofa and rubbed his eyes with the base of his palms as his stomach growled.

Reid let himself lay down with one foot still on the floor, one hand on his stomach, thinking briefly that he should get up and shower… but maybe after just ten minutes of rest... It couldn't hurt. He closed his eyes and within seconds he could feel himself drift off a bit. Not having slept much the night before, it was a welcoming feeling as it enveloped him.

_ Knock. Knock. _

Reid awoke with a start reaching for his weapon. Immediately, he had it trained on his front door until he realized what was happening. He tried to gather his wits but he felt like he was suffocating. The air was so thick and he was sweating. Taking a few deep breaths, he slowly put his gun back in the holster, his brow tired and frowning. He got up and held his pounding chest as he walked to his door. Looking through the peephole, he smiled. It was Morgan.

Morgan was holding two bags of food. Chinese. Reid could smell it as he had opened the door and it made his stomach feel emptier than it already was. He just smiled at Morgan and welcomed him inside. "Are you ready for some grub?" Morgan asked.

They walked on through to the kitchen and Morgan set the food down on the counter. Reid was hugging himself as he watched Morgan remove all the little boxes from the bags. "I'm starving…" he said.

"Were you asleep?" Morgan looked at Reid with a knowing eye.

Reid just smiled again. He was afraid to say too much. He didn't want to ruin this. Whatever 'this' is. "I, uhh, didn't get a chance to," he swallowed, "uhh, clean up. Do you mind if I-?"

"Have at it, man. Do what you gotta do. I'll get a plate ready for ya."

Reid rubbed the back of his neck and backed away, acting kind of shy. When he was out of Morgan's line of sight, he began speed walking to his bedroom. He quickly shut the door and undressed. He was careful to lay his gun and badge on the nightstand. His unit had a master bathroom in the bedroom so he was thankful for the absolute privacy.

Morgan had both dishes set up when Reid came back out after only about eight minutes; the food was heaping and still very hot. He had to laugh when Reid walked into the kitchen. He had a different pair of cords on, these were dark grey and he had button up shirt, blue this time… " _Why_ did you get dressed again?"

Reid started to smile, but only smiled out of the side of his mouth. "Are you kidding? I can't let you see me in my pajamas. I'd never hear the end of it." He tucked the wet strands of hair behind his ears.

"Wait, hold up. Did you just say 'pajamas'?" Morgan grinned wide after that.

"See?" Reid grabbed the plate closest to him.

Morgan handed Reid a set of chopsticks with a smart ass smirk. "Here you go, pajama man."

Reid took the chopsticks from Morgan and held them at chest level to look at them. "I'm going to starve."

Morgan laughed and gently patted Reid's stomach as he passed him on his way to the living room. Reid smiled and followed him, but not before sneaking a fork.

They sat down on the couch, Morgan at the left. A simple glass top coffee table was in front of them. Morgan had already placed two beers down on coasters. Reid wasn't a big drinker by any means. In fact, the only reason he had any beer in his refrigerator at all was more for Morgan's sake. _Whenever_ it was going to happen though, Reid was more than happy to share a cold one with his friend.

Reid tried... He really, _really_ did try with the chopsticks. Morgan almost chocked twice watching him. But Reid finally gave up. "I just can't use these things."

"I think you're doin' better than usual."

"How can you say that? I _still_ don't know what any of this food tastes like!" Reid proclaimed.

Morgan laughed and laughed. Reid rubbed his forehead with his fingertips, frustrated. "Go on, Pretty Boy. Use your fork. I won't tell anyone." That was such usual banter for them; being called that nickname by Morgan didn't even faze Reid. Morgan just kept laughing, really enjoying this time with his good friend.

Morgan was almost done by the time Reid was only half way through with his plate. "Good grub, huh?" Morgan asked. Reid nodded and kept eating. "What's on TV?" Morgan wondered aloud. He reached for the remote with a stuffed grunt and pushed down on the power button as he leaned back into the couch. The TV didn't turn on. "What the hell?" He pushed the power button again. Nothing. He looked at Reid who was still focused on his food. "Reid."

"Oh, yeah…" Reid began. "Sorry, it's not plugged in."

"Not plugged- What? Your TV’s not plugged in? How do you expect to watch TV?"

"I don't." Reid shoveled some fried rice into his mouth. He chewed and pointed towards the TV with all of his fingertips, each one slightly moving until he swallowed. "I'm never home, besides, I don’t watch it unless I catch wind of something I want to see...”

Morgan just shook his head, remembering how old fashioned Reid could be. They sat in silence as they finished their plates. They both considered another helping, but they were full after the first round. Large portions will do that. They headed to the kitchen with their empty plates and near empty beer bottles.

Reid glanced around nervously. This was a little like last night. He watched Morgan organize the left overs and then place them in the refrigerator. "There you go, kid. You got some food for a couple more nights."

"Thanks for bringing that over." Reid was rocking on his heals with his hands in his pockets.

"No problem, my man." Morgan put his dirty plate in the sink to join Reid's. "So… is everything else alright?" His question came with some apprehension, as if he was worried that asking would bring other things up.

Reid didn't know what kind of an answer Morgan was fishing for so he went the generic route with his reply. "Yeah, everything's alright."

"How did you do today? Any cravings?"

"Oh… I- I was fine. It's at night or when I'm alone when I…" he didn't finish his thought. "I find if I'm busy, I do better. And that's every day. Not just today." He needed to remind Morgan that he will forever be a recovering drug addict.

"Right… And your arm? Still itchin'?"

"I think it's okay."

Morgan walked up to Reid. "Can I see?"

"Uhh, yeah…" Reid unbuttoned his sleeve and began to roll it up. Morgan waited. Reid had taken the band aid off for the shower. Morgan didn't question that. He just looked at Reid's arm. "Looks okay, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, I'd say so." Morgan was holding Reid's arm to look at it, gently turning it this way and that to see it under the fluorescent lights. There was a slight bruise. Morgan began to let go of Reid's arm and at the same time, Reid somehow managed to take one of Morgan's hands in his own.

The moment Reid didn't stop himself from doing that was the moment his pulse quickened. His body temperature shot up what seemed like several degrees and it felt like something had suddenly taken him by the back of the neck causing his entire body to tense up. He looked down at his hand, holding Morgan's. This was the first time he had ever really noticed his lighter skin tone against Morgan's darker skin tone. And he thought it was beautiful.

Reid made himself look at Morgan and saw that Morgan was looking at their hands too. Reid's lips parted and he licked them, not able to breathe through his nose any longer. He could feel his body shaking and his chest was so tight with anticipation. He was a little surprised. This was such a simple thing to have happen, but it meant so much. It meant so much because Morgan wasn't letting go.

This was it. Reid could feel the sensation of tears coming, but he swallowed and held them back. Morgan finally looked at Reid's face. And Reid watched Morgan's eyes as they moved from Reid's mouth, to his eyes… to his mouth again, then back to his eyes... Still, neither of them were letting go.

Reid was feeling brave again. Adrenaline owned him now. "Come here," he said. He began to pull Morgan behind him.

"Reid…" Morgan protested, following somewhat willingly, but still heavy on his feet.

Reid ignored Morgan and his reluctance and he continued to pull Morgan passed the living room and small dining room and passed the front door until they reached the dark hallway. Reid landed him up against the wall and with his body, invaded almost every inch of Morgan's personal space. Reid spoke before Morgan had the chance to. He knew he had to seize this moment before it was lost. "It's just you and me, Morgan." With his voice strained to hold back his excitement, he spoke to Morgan just above a whisper so very close to his ear. "Nobody is gonna know if you kiss me. Nobody, Morgan."

"Reid…" Morgan turned his head away, just slightly.

Reid swallowed and gently caressed Morgan's cheek with his trembling hand. "Morgan, please… Let me kiss you…" Reid knew once again that he had to be coming off as desperate, like last night, but he was... and he didn't care. He wanted to finally be able to feel what he had been feeling for so long and feel it _right now_ , in this moment without any limitations. He knew Morgan had to be interested. He wouldn't have let this go this long if he wasn't.

Sweat teased the tips of Reid's fingers as he moved his hand from Morgan's face to his neck. Morgan's skin was getting sticky. Reid could feel the breath pumping from him, hot and thick. Reid could see Morgan reacting, even if he was trying not to. "Reid, man… I don't-" Morgan finally let go of Reid's hand and let his own hand drop to his side, not knowing where to place it.

"Shhhh-shhhhhhhh…" Reid cooed into Morgan's ear. Reid was so close to Morgan's body. If they had been lying down, Reid would be laying on top of him completely. His left hand was splayed on the wall behind them.

Reid could smell the salt on Morgan's skin and he let his lips linger, just barely touching his neck. He felt Morgan's unsure hands grasp at his shirt from the sides. Reid backed off just a bit, giving himself enough room to unbutton the other cuff and then he unbuttoned the front of his shirt, pulling it off. He was left in just a white t-shirt and his cords which were hanging low with no belt. He leaned into Morgan again, breathing heavily against his neck. "I want to put my mouth on you, Morgan," Reid's voice shook as much as his nervous body was shaking. He could feel Morgan's hands at his sides again, took that as consent and he kissed Morgan's neck with just his lips. Morgan's skin was on fire. Reid licked his lips, tasting Morgan's sweat and kissed Morgan's skin again. Then he kissed Morgan's neck with his tongue, deep and hard. Morgan's breath caught in his throat and for the first time, his pelvis jutted forward against Reid.

Reid pulled back and met Morgan face to face. Holding Morgan's head in his hands, he cocked his own head slightly and pressed his mouth against Morgan's. He pulled away and they looked each other in the eye. Reid brought one of his hands down to Morgan's center and cupped his crotch, searching for and finding Morgan's swelling dick almost instantly. Morgan moaned reluctantly, trying to control himself. Reid kissed him again, open mouthed, but Morgan wasn't kissing back. He squeezed Morgan's bulge causing him to open his mouth and Reid went in for the kill kissing him hard. Morgan kissed him back this time. And Reid almost came when he tasted Morgan's tongue dancing with his.

Reid was harder than he could ever remember. As they continued sharing long and deep kisses with Morgan, Reid pressed himself firmly against him grinding and rotating his hips into Morgan's body, leaving his hands to roam Morgan's shoulders and arms, neck and lower back. Morgan's hands had made their way up to Reid's face. Their bodies were so close, so tight… so tight… Reid pumped against Morgan, needing release. Reid couldn't mistake the moment he felt Morgan's hands disappear only to feel them again… lower, grabbing at his ass to help leverage them against each other. Reid felt a wave of warmth take over his entire body and seizing tightness in his groin. He knew he wouldn't survive much more of this at all. One last thrust and grunt from Morgan was all it took. "Oh God," Reid whimpered as his body jerked out a load of semen into his underwear. He moaned with each spurt and didn't try to hide what was happening. He shuddered against Morgan, burying his face into Morgan's neck until the spasms stopped.

But Reid wasn't done.

Soon he began to slip down Morgan's body. He could feel Morgan's chest heaving, he could feel how rock hard his body was. His cheek rubbed against Morgan's erection... Reid landed softly onto his knees and began to undo Morgan's belt.

"You don't have to do this," Morgan said softly.

"I want to, Morgan. I want to do this."

Both of them licked their lips in anticipation. Reid carefully unzipped Morgan's pants and pulled them down a little. Then he cupped Morgan's muscle… Morgan held his breath while he released it from the confines of his boxer briefs. Then Reid pulled down Morgan's underwear more so he could touch Morgan's lower abdomen without the elastic band getting in the way. He spread one hand out along Morgan's skin, all around the base his cock, pressing and rubbing his fingertips into Morgan's groomed coarse hairs. He held Morgan in his other hand and what he gripped onto was so thick and hard… It throbbed along with Morgan's heartbeat… 

He licked his lips and the inside of his mouth and swallowed. He'd never done this before. He wasn't nervous. It didn't feel wrong. It wasn't gross. He had never wanted to please or pleasure someone so badly in his life. He had never _wanted_ to be this intimate with anyone. To be emotionally _and_ physically bound to someone was something he had never been able to experience.

He kissed the shaft and Morgan moaned. That excited Reid to hear Morgan. He kissed the shaft again, wetting it with his tongue... He did this several times until he was ready to move his mouth to the tip. Greeted by pre-cum, he lapped at it and then took Morgan in his mouth. Morgan's knees buckled and he took Reid's head in his hands, growling a bit. Morgan began to gently move his hips back and forth against Reid's face, getting absolutely taken in by Reid's warm and very wet mouth. Morgan pushed himself deeply into Reid's throat a couple of times with no struggling from Reid. And Morgan let out several undeniable moans that gave it away that Reid was gonna make him blow his load.

Saliva ran down the corners of Reid's mouth, but he wouldn't wipe it away. He held fast to Morgan's hips as suckling noises filled the hallway. Morgan's body was vibrating. Reid could feel it. He heard Morgan mumbling but could only understand the words _fuck_ and _damn_. Within seconds Morgan was filling Reid's mouth with spurts of warm liquid. Cum coated Reid's tongue and shot toward the back of his throat, threatening to spill from Reid's lips, but he swallowed Morgan down… After that he gently milked Morgan's cock for every last drop.

When it was over and done, Reid reluctantly back away and stood up, only then having to cough once and clear his throat. He wiped the corners of his mouth with the bottom of his shirt, exposing his stomach… He caught Morgan watching, but Morgan quickly looked away, putting his package back into his pants and zipping up.

Reid scratched his head. "That was…" he paused, "That was unexpected." He wiped the sweat from his face with his short sleeves. He had a bewildered smile, quite amused and happy because of what had just taken place.

They walked back into the light, into the living room area. Morgan sat down and Reid sat down next to him, still glistening from the sweat beads that had reformed on his face. Morgan looked at Reid, looked at his crotch and then looked back to him. "Don't you need to clean that up?"

"Uhh…" Reid looked down and remembered what Morgan was talking about. "Oh yeah," he smiled and chuckled. "Guess I do. I'll go take care of that."

While Reid was away, Morgan buried his head in his hands. He couldn't believe that just happened. He couldn't believe he _let_ it happen.

When Reid came back out, Morgan was gone.


	6. Bridges

Reid quickly walked into the briefing room, interrupting the team. There was an awkward pause that left him the center of attention. He wouldn't look at anyone. He simply placed his satchel down, opened the file in front of him and waited for JJ to continue.

No one could take their eyes away from Reid for a good long moment. Even when they tried, their eyes always seemed to steal a glance in his direction. The look everyone had on their face was very telling. They were worried. Late two days in a row and obviously distracted. Tense. Reserved.

Prentiss was sitting next to Reid and began to study him. She didn't need to look very deep. He appeared to be absolutely exhausted. His hair was a stringy, tangled mess. Even his clothes were hurriedly put on with his shirt tail nearly hanging out. She found herself more concerned as the seconds passed. She, like everyone else thought he was relapsing. Prentiss recalled the last time this was going on. He seemed to be hit a little harder by whatever he was going through this time. Poor Reid, she thought. She wanted to help him, but didn't know if she could. More so, she didn't know if he would let her. Was it even drugs? She wanted to talk to him later when no one else was around. Hopefully he would open up.

Reid rubbed at his glossy, bloodshot eyes with the backside of his hands, scrunching his face up as he closed his eye lids. When he opened them again, he saw Morgan sitting straight across from him, expressionless and Reid matched his poker face without effort. He could hear Hotch talking in the background now, but he wasn't listening. The others were contributing information and opinion during the briefing, but Reid was dead locked on Morgan, neither of them saying a word.

Prentiss noticed Reid and Morgan glowering at each other as soon as it began. She didn't want Reid or Morgan getting into trouble, so she placed her hand just above Reid's knee under the table, which immediately snapped the tether between them. He looked downward and then looked at her, failing at not being obvious. The look in her eyes was telling him to be careful. Reid looked back to Morgan who could see something was going on between him and Prentiss.

She squeezed Reid's thigh gently, her thumb rubbing the outside of it. Reid cleared his throat. He tried not to look at Morgan and instead attempted to pay attention to Hotch, or at least seem like he was. Morgan gave one last look to Reid and Prentiss, curious now and looking somewhat angry before giving his attention to Hotch.

When the briefing was over, in front of everyone, Hotch said, "Reid, I need to see you in my office."

Prentiss lifted her hand away from Reid, looked at him and then looked towards Morgan who was looking at Hotch. "Hotch, can I speak with you first?" Morgan quickly got up and started scrambling with the file spread out in front of him. Hotch waited for him and they walked away together. JJ left with Garcia. Rossi was right behind them. Reid stayed seated next Prentiss. Neither of them would look at each other.

Prentiss let the air settle before she spoke. "I care about you… a lot… Reid and I don't like to see you in trouble."

"Hotch will be fine. I'm just late. Again." Reid's tone was very dismissive.

Prentiss turned her head to look at Reid. "I'm not talking about Hotch."

Reid wanted to hide. Was it _all_ that obvious? He took in a deep breath and let it out quietly. He felt so much disappointment in himself. While clearing his throat he pursed his lips fighting back the urge for tears. Feeling guarded, he couldn't bring himself to say anything… He felt too emotionally and mentally drained to talk to her, especially right now, but Prentiss was a good friend. He held his hand open next to her lap and she put her hand in his. They held hands until he could say the words. "Thanks, Emily." She watched Reid get out of his seat and he gave her a slight smile. He gathered up his paperwork and satchel and walked out of the briefing room.

Reid saw Morgan over by the coffee and headed straight there, but Morgan saw Reid coming. He took a sip of his second helping of freshly poured coffee and started to walk away, but Reid was too fast. "Hey," Reid said, a little short of breath. "What happened to you last night?"

"No, no, _no_ … We are _not_ doin' this."

What, was Morgan going to avoid him now? Reid couldn't pretend like last night didn't happen. He could feel his face getting hot and his mouth getting dry. Reid swallowed and then spoke in a quiet, stern voice while once again, being brave and attempting to block him from walking away. "It's a simple question. Why did you leave?" Reid's chest bumped into Morgan's shoulder and arm a few times as Morgan kept trying to move around him.

"Back up off me, man." Morgan said slowly as he glared at Reid. "Just what the hell do you think you're doin'?" The look on Morgan's face should have scared Reid.

"Mixed signals, Morgan. You know that term?" Reid wasn't backing down.

Morgan looked around to make sure they hadn't grabbed anyone's attention and then spoke every word with a very heavy weight. "Reid, I'm only gonna say this once…" he pointed at Reid with the coffee cup in his hand, " _THIS_ is not the time _OR_ the place."

Reid eyes shifted as he remembered what he said about nobody knowing. No one was supposed to find out about anything and here he was, acting like this. Reid composed himself and apologized to Morgan with his eyes. He licked his lips and swallowed. "I just think we really need to talk."

Morgan was about to respond, but just then Prentiss walked by to get her own coffee. "Guys…" she greeted cautiously, it being very clear she was interrupting something.

Reid immediately backed up from Morgan and put his hands in his pockets, head down. Submissive.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," he gave Reid a look that Prentiss didn't understand, "I need to go make sure your ass doesn't get written up… or worse."

Reid tried so hard not to watch Morgan walk away. Feeling defeated, he looked at Prentiss like a wounded puppy. " _What_ is going on with you two?" Reid's eyes shot off in every direction except towards Prentiss. He also began rocking on his heels a bit. She stood there waiting for him to say something... _anything_ , but he wouldn't respond. She began to walk away and made it a couple of steps, but then quickly turned around. "Hey, listen..." she started. Reid raised his brows in acknowledgement. "Do you maybe want to go get a bite to eat at TenPenh after work?"

"Oh, uhh…" Reid loosely puckered and then grinned as he considered it. He knew she was going to be a friend and try to get him to talk, but he also knew well enough he could control the conversation by choosing his words very carefully during dinner. "Yeah, okay."

"Okay," she smiled. Reid waited while he watched her fix her coffee up how she liked it. Then he walked with her to their desks, feeling strangely attached to her at the moment.

About ten minutes passed before Morgan was finally leaving Hotch's office. Reid watched him walk down and over to his desk. Then Reid's desk phone rang. Hotch. He answered and told Hotch he'd be there in a few minutes. He exchanged a glance with Prentiss, feeling pretty anxious. After pushing his chair in, he headed towards the bathroom needing to splash some water on his face.

While he was looking at himself in the mirror, water still dripping from his jaw line, he realized what a parallel he was running compared to when he was using. He was gonna have to get a grip or this wasn't going to end well. He ran his hands under the faucet again and then ran them through his hair a couple of times. Splashing water on his face one last time, he heard the bathroom door open. Turning, he saw Morgan standing by the door at his left.

"Morgan…?" He turned off the water and grabbed at the paper towels. Reid didn't understand why Morgan was in there if he didn't want to talk. He watched as Morgan gave the bathroom a once over, making sure there was no one else in there. "What are you doing?" He began to pat his face dry.

Morgan walked over to Reid. "Be ready to take a little time off. I couldn't get Hotch to budge."

Reid stared at Morgan with his mouth drawn open. "Oh…" Morgan patted him on back, his hand lingering for just a moment longer than what would have been usual, and then he headed to the door. "Morgan?" Reid wanted some sort of reassurance about _something_ and his expression begged for it.

Morgan smiled at Reid with his eyes as he reached for the door handle. "Everything's gonna be alright, kid." He was so soft spoken and Reid could feel that brotherly love pulsing from Morgan and it hit him like a wave.

He had to ask. "H- Hey, Morgan?"

"Yeah, man…" Morgan licked his lips and waited for Reid.

"When will I see you again?" Reid didn't mean at work. He bit at his lower lip nervously while he waited for Morgan to answer.

Morgan took a hard look at him and sighed. "I don't know, Reid."

"Tonight?" Reid suggested, hopeful.

"I don't know," Morgan repeated, shrugging slightly to emphasize.

"You want to, right?" Reid started to walk in Morgan's direction. "You want to come see me?"

"Not here, Reid. How many times do I have-"

"Do you know why last night happened?" Reid stopped to leave a couple feet of room between them.

Morgan turned his head, a little annoyed, not wanting to have this conversation. "Because you're a persistent little sh-"

"It happened because we both wanted it to." Reid blinked fast several times, almost like a twitch. "I-I mean," he licked his lips and continued, "I mean, if nothing else, tell me you understand that." He paused and pulled one side of his hair behind his ear before tucking his hands into his pockets.

Morgan clenched his jaw and just looked at Reid. He didn't know what to say to make him understand. "It's not that simple, Reid."

"I know you _understand,_ Morgan." His expression became excited and confident, but Reid realized right then he didn't need to force a conversation with Morgan. If Morgan felt _at all_ the same, Reid would give him time and he would let Morgan come to him. "But if you can't talk about it right now, that's okay. Say nothing, that's enough for me… When you're ready to talk, I'll be right here waiting."

Morgan thought of Reid's comment about mixed signals. He flashed back to last night and was surprised at the sense of heat he immediately felt. He had been a virgin to anything like what happened in Reid's hallway. That was something so raw. All he could really remember was the sweaty heat, the warm wetness and the teeth tingling orgasm he experienced inside Reid's mouth. He didn't want to compare it to anything relating to the sexual abuse he had experienced as a youngster. He wasn't the same person and Reid was no threat. But Morgan was holding back and he needed to figure out why. He needed more time to think about everything. He did know that Reid had him spun, but for now, he wanted to hold his ground and stop this conversation while the gettin' was good. "I gotta get back."

"Ignore it all you want, Morgan, but I know I'm right." Reid eyes were locked on Morgan's once again. They seemed to hold Morgan in place until he deliberately closed his eyes and held them shut.

When he opened them again, he told Reid, "You assume too much." Reid's expression wilted, but Morgan opened the door and walked out anyway. He shook his head knowing he didn't have to beat the kid down like that.

After Morgan left, Reid came out of the bathroom. He quickly went up to Hotch's office and what Morgan said would happen, in fact become Reid's reality. Hotch asked him to take the rest of the week off and to return Monday. Nothing was on the record. No big long speech. Reid didn't know how good of a plan it was, idle hands and all...

When he got back to his desk, Reid immediately started to gather his things. Prentiss looked to Morgan questioningly and then looked back to Reid. She thought that Morgan looked a little bummed and she felt really out of the loop.

"I'm going to have to take a rain check, Emily," Reid said softly to her. He was afraid he was going to hurt her feelings.

Hotch came out of his office and Morgan snapped forward in his chair and picked up his phone and quickly dial a number from a file so he didn't look like he was relaxing; he had been watching Reid.

"That's alright." Prentiss shuffled some paperwork to look busy. "You can call me anytime," she offered to Reid quietly. Reid smiled at her shyly and threw his satchel over his shoulder.

As he walked through the office he passed Morgan's desk and heard him tell the other person on line an interesting choice of words. "I know I'm right, Mrs. Kingsly. It's what I do."


	7. Bridges

Morgan didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't know if it was loyalty or maybe responsibility. He was afraid it was something more than that. He was afraid because he never saw it coming. It wasn't even a conceivable thought in his mind until two nights ago when Reid told him how he felt and had planted the seed.

When Reid told Morgan that he couldn't stop thinking about him Morgan knew it in his gut what he meant. He could see it all over Reid's face. Morgan had such a natural bond, a brotherhood, a seemingly unbendable trust with Reid. It angered him to have everything twisted into something almost unrecognizable. And he was still upset at how he reacted because he loved that kid. He'd do anything for Reid. That was partly why he was so confused and it was eating him up from the inside out. Morgan knew he wasn't a gay man. He had never considered a relationship with a man and sure as hell not a healthy one, given his history _._ Not until now. Morgan considered himself to be a very accomplished ladies' man and he enjoyed women. A lot. He wasn't sure he was willing to switch teams, not even for Reid.

But there he stood. In front of Reid's door. If anyone were to ask him why he was there he would have had to make up an answer because he just didn't know. He went to knock and brought his hand back. He felt ridiculous. "What the hell am I doing?" he said aloud. He turned around to leave and then stopped after several paces. He half smiled as if he won a contest of wits with himself and decided right then that he couldn't be scared. He had to face this head on or it was only going to get worse for _everybody_.

Morgan took a deep breath and headed back to the Reid's door. He slowly knocked three times. As he waited he randomly noticed his sunglasses were hanging from his t-shirt collar and wished he'd remembered to leave them in the Suburban. He looked left and then right. He never ever saw a soul in that building. He wondered if Reid was the only tenant in the place. He cleared his throat as he heard the deadbolt unlocking.

Reid greeted Morgan with a very warm smile. It was absolutely infectious. Morgan grinned too. "Come in, come in…" Reid said reaching his arm out welcoming Morgan in. When Morgan began to pass by him, Reid put his arm around Morgan's shoulders and gave him a good squeeze before letting go.

"How was yesterday after you came home? Were ya bored?" Morgan began the small talk right away.

"No, I had stopped by the library so I had plenty to read," Reid paused and thought of something else to add, placing his hands in his pockets. "Oh, and I brought some files home. I've been working… on, uh, developing geographical profiles on our open cases, taking notes… Some other unsolved cases too."

"Oh?" Morgan said looking around Reid's place. It was a bit untidy compared to when he was there last. It made Morgan think he'd been up all night workin' that genius brain of his. "You alright?"

"I couldn't sleep..."

"Everything else alright?" Morgan's head was slightly cocked, his eyes squinting and his jaw clenched.

Reid dismissed Morgan's concern with a laugh. "Yeah, sure." Reid knew that Morgan was really asking if he had used in the last 2 days. He hadn't. And that was one of the reasons why Reid didn't sleep last night.

"You look like shit," Morgan said as he pulled off his leather jacket and removed his sunglasses from his shirt collar. He searched for somewhere to place them, finally laying them on the kitchen bar stool nearby.

"Yeah, well," Reid's brow came together as he frowned toward the floor. "I didn't say it's been easy."

"I know, man. I know…" Morgan said and then paused sensing some tension from Reid. He watched as Reid pulled his hands from his pockets and rubbed his face hard. Morgan was reminded of something he had wondered about which was how the hell Reid got his hands on Dilaudid again anyway, or if he had some stashed away this whole time. He didn't want to talk about that now though. The investigator in him also wanted to snoop around, but he wasn't there for that. "Okay, Reid, we need to talk." Morgan watched Reid's Adam's apple drop and rise again. Reid always gave himself up like that. Morgan looked away which allowed Reid to flash an expression of worry before he needed to compose himself. "Don't be scared, man." Morgan sat down on Reid's couch with his legs open, elbows on his knees. He watched Reid and waited for him to sit down beside him. Reid slowly seated himself and cleared his throat. "Reid," Morgan started.

Reid could tell by the look on Morgan's face, he was already struggling to find the right words. "Beer?"

"Yesss." Morgan sounded so grateful. Reid quickly got up and got two beers, hurrying back. They twisted the caps off at the same time and took long, refreshing drinks. Reid moved in unison with Morgan on purpose, quite amused by it. Morgan belched quietly. "Excuse me... Damn, that's better." Reid saw some pressure release from Morgan right away. He smiled and laughed a little and his eyes became transfixed on his friend. Morgan was such a masculine guy. Reid really looked up to him. "Hey."

Reid's eyes shot up from Morgan's bicep and he tucked his lips inside his mouth being a little embarrassed for staring. He almost felt like he couldn't help it. He was becoming mesmerized more and more as the moments passed. He couldn't believe Morgan came to him so quickly. He'd felt confident that it would happen, but wow… so soon? He wasn't sure if this was good or bad. Morgan’s tone sounded concerning, but the fact that he was there was good. They both sat quietly for a minute, taking several more small drinks each.

"I don't know how to have this conversation, Reid."

"Oh, okay…" Reid cleared his throat and ran his fingers behind his ears. "Let's, uhh, keep it simple."

"Okay." Morgan was tapping his foot and staring at the coffee table. "How in the hell do we keep this simple?"

Reid turned his body toward Morgan and let out a short breath. "One step at a time?" Morgan met his eyes. "It's going to be…" his voice trailed off as he thought about what that meant; one step at a time. Reid had taken a very blind leap already. "I- uhh, I realize now I may have pushed you the other night and I'm sorry."

"I'm not worried about that right now."

"What are you worried about?"

"Reid, _I am not gay_. This isn't me."

"Morgan, _this_ doesn't have to have a label." Reid looked downward to pick his next words and then licked his lips before he spoke again. "What _I've_ been feeling, what happened two nights ago… It's not… It- it's… It's not what I would have- I mean…" He took a long pause, his expression verging on sad. "I, uhh… I like girls too."

Morgan laughed to himself. "You coulda fooled me." He nodded backwards in the direction of the hallway. "You weren't scared at all, man." He took a drink.

"Morgan, I-I was petrified," Reid said with wide eyes. His voice went up a few octaves. "But I couldn't let you leave without showing you…" he trailed off again.

Not 'labeling this' and knowing Reid was scared too somehow made Morgan feel a little better… safer. He did want to tell Reid how he felt up to this point. He shot a somewhat serious look at Reid then said, "Ya know, I… I just remember thinking, ' _Reid what are you doing?'_ and to myself, _'what are you doing?'_ Then things got so hot and …and …I liked it. It just all felt so… I don't know. I was nervous. _Nothing_ like that has ever happened to me. If it had been anyone else, I would've knocked their ass out cold."

Reid let out a laugh because he didn't doubt for a second the truth in that statement. Then it settled in what Morgan had said to him. He felt that familiar sense of his forehead getting damp with tiny beads of sweat. Morgan said he liked it. Reid swallowed and shifted in his seat. He clamped his hands around the cold bottle hoping that would help cool him down and then cleared his throat, shifting in his seat again.

"You all hot and bothered now?" Morgan asked Reid noticing how badly he was fidgeting.

"Do you realize what you just said to me?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what I said."

"Is this it? Are- are we-? Are we a thing?" Reid was talking without thinking. His voice cracked on that last word.

Morgan put his hand on Reid's hand, both now resting on Reid's thigh. "Slow down…" Morgan told him. Reid couldn't even breathe, but he turned his hand over so he could hold Morgan's hand. Then he let out that breath he was holding.

"Right," he said and then inhaled deeply.

"Reid?"

"Yeah?" Reid looked at Morgan with some concern. Morgan's tone was serious again.

"What if I can't get to where you are?"

Reid knew what he meant and composed himself. "Uhh, I'll tell you the same thing that I'd expect you to say to me… which is… we will cross that bridge when we come to it, or we'll burn it."

Morgan chewed on that for a second. Could things get that serious with Reid? If things didn't work out, could they ever go back to the way things were? What was it like breaking up with another man? Would severing an intimate connection like that even be possible? No such thing existed with women. Not really.

"One step at a time?"

"Yeah, one step at a time," Reid assured. He rubbed the back of Morgan's hand with his thumb. He wanted someone to pinch him. He was expecting to wake up at any moment. He blinked his eye lids tightly and cleared his throat quietly.

Just then, Reid's cell phone rang. The noise made both the boys jump. Reid was quick to stand up and pull the phone from his pocket. "It's Prentiss." They both had a tiny bit of panic in their expression as they looked at each other. "Are you here right now?" Reid asked.

"Don't you tell her everything, but do not start lying to her," Morgan wanted to nip that in the bud.

Reid frowned at Morgan and answered the call. He walked off into his bedroom and Morgan stood up to wander around Reid's place. He stopped to look out the window. The sun was just making its way to the horizon. He couldn't see it anymore, the buildings were in the way, but he could see plenty of orange reflecting in the surrounding glass. He took a deep breath, not too sure about what he just signed up for. He didn't know how far he'd let this all go, but he knew he was 'curious' to say the very least. But only with Reid. He knew he wouldn't be with anyone else. What the hell was he gonna tell his Mama? He really didn't get too far into thought before Reid was coming back into the living room. "Hey, Prentiss invited us out for drinks with everybody." Reid seemed pretty excited.

"What did you tell her?" Morgan turned to look at Reid.

"About us?" Reid looked very confused.

"No, are we going out to the bar or what?"

Reid laughed out loud while he spoke. "Oh, I said I'd see if you wanted to go and we'd be there… if you wanted to go... Do you want to go?"

"You wanna go?"

"Do you think Hotch will mind?"

"Hmm," Morgan thought on it. "Nah, I think it'll be alright. I think he'd want to see how you're doin'. But you need to shower or something. At least look like you haven't been up for 36 hours straight."

Reid looked at Morgan with a very blank stare. All he could think about was how Morgan had left him the other night.

Morgan seemed to picked up on that. "I'm not going anywhere. Now hurry up."


	8. Rollercoaster

Morgan and Reid walked into the bar together. Morgan quickly located the others. Reid followed, suddenly feeling shy and displaced. Now that they had arrived, he thought maybe he shouldn't have come. He was apprehensive about having to face his friends and colleagues guessing that they all probably knew he'd slipped up.

Reid glanced around at the thermal energies dancing about and was quickly reminded of his lack of rhythm. As he and Morgan cut through the dance floor, Reid felt hands on his body. One firm hand grabbed his side and another loosely tugged the collar of his sweater vest. They let go as he kept walking. He gulped and straightened his clothing, trying not to look back. He could smell the perfume, the sweat and the alcohol in the air causing him to scratch at his nose. Morgan glanced behind him to see if Reid was keeping up. He had a huge grin. Reid quickly realized Morgan walked them through the crowd on purpose.

When they reached Hotch, Prentiss, JJ, Rossi and Garcia there were loud greetings and laughter. Reid watched as Morgan got a hug from each of the girls, shared a nod with Rossi and shook Hotch's hand. Then everyone looked at Reid. Prentiss was the first to reach out to him and he awkwardly moved closer to her and leaned in for the hug. He could feel JJ rubbing his arm as he was pulling away and then she stole a hug from him too. He wasn't surprised to see Garcia there, waiting for her hug next. "What do ya say, fellow genius? Let's make Derek Morgan jealous!" Reid's expression was priceless. He glanced at Morgan first before he awkwardly shared a very tight hug with Garcia.

When he and Garcia parted everyone was still looking at him. "What?" Reid asked.

Morgan chimed in because no one else would. "You just turned ten shades of red, my man."

"Okay, okay…" Reid said blushing even more.

While Reid tried to defeat his slight embarrassment, he overheard the girls making plans for a bathroom break. He felt Morgan come up behind him and squeeze his shoulders. "You're our family, Reid. We all love you, no matter what." Reid smiled to save himself from expressing his minor annoyance and tried to shoo Morgan away. He felt like he was being babied a little. Morgan left and Reid watched as the girls walked away in a group. Reid nodded at Rossi and then let his eyes meet Hotch's. "Hey, Hotch."

"Glad to see you could come."

Reid let out the breath he had been holding and with a bit of relief, smiled and sat down across from Hotch.

"We all can use our friends on a Friday night," Rossi said to filter the moment on through.

Reid nodded in agreement then peeked around over his shoulder. It was really packed tonight. He felt a little overwhelmed and didn't quite know where it was coming from. Being here never bothered him before. Hotch began to tell Rossi a story about his son, Jack. Reid smiled along, but he could hardly pay close attention while feeling so apprehensive. The girls came back with big smiles, laughing at whatever girls laugh at and sat down at the table next them. He couldn't see Morgan anywhere. Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and saw a waitress.

"Can I get you anything, hon?" She had bright blue eyes and her skin shimmered under the lighting.

"Oh, just some water please," Reid said.

"We'll take another pitcher," Hotch motioned.

"Sure thing, boys," she said. Reid couldn't help but think she was pretty. She was definitely southern, having a Texan accent. She had a beautiful smile and she was blonde, like Lila. Reid shook his head. _Where did that come from?,_ he thought to himself. He watched the young woman as she took another pitcher order from Prentiss, then he dismissed her from his thoughts.

Reid felt his shoulder being clutched onto again. It was Morgan, leaning over him to steal a drink from Hotch's mug, using Reid as a brace. "Time to go get my freak on!" he said. "See you out there?" Morgan teased. Hotch and Rossi grinned at Reid who knew that tease was meant only for him. Reid quickly spun around to see Morgan landing next to a gorgeous woman on the dance floor. Then JJ, Prentiss and Garcia all screamed in excitement.

Reid felt envy. He felt jealousy. He couldn't watch so he turned back around.

The rest of the evening was much of the same. Prentiss caught Reid in the hallway on his way to the restroom. She wanted to make sure he was doing okay. He confessed he hadn't slept for going on almost 2 days now. Her eyes were so sympathetic and her hand reached out to his arm, giving a reassuring rub. "You and Morgan seemed to be getting along better."

"Yeah, umm," he pressed his lips together, holding in a smile, "Yeah, everything's fine."

"Is there _anything_ you want to talk about?" she tried to persuade him.

Reid shook his head. "No, everything's fine," he repeated.

Prentiss gave him a look like she knew better, but she also knew he'd talk when he wanted to, if there was anything that was on his mind. "Oh! I almost forgot. I took these from Morgan earlier." She pulled keys from her pocket. "His idea, just in case."

 

Reid and Morgan ambled down the hallway towards Reid's apartment as it was nearing midnight. Both were quiet. Really quiet. The kind of quiet that's not unlike the calm before a storm. Reid turned the key and they both stepped inside the silent and still space. No lights were on. Reid walked straight across the way and turned on his desk lamp. He could feel the air around them changing. It made him nervous. "Do you… uhh… Do you want to stay the night?" he asked Morgan.

"Huh?" Morgan was lost in thought and wasn't paying any attention.

"You had me drive. Maybe you shouldn't drive home? You can stay here?"

"Yeah…" Morgan headed to the couch.

"I'll take the couch. You can have my bed." Reid wanted nothing more than for Morgan to have a good night's sleep tonight.

Morgan didn't answer right away. He was still hovering around the couch.

"I-I know you must be tired. I don't mind sleeping on the couch."

"Reid, just shut _up_."

Reid frowned, uneasy and not sure why Morgan was annoyed. He certainly wasn't drunk. He'd seen Morgan tipsy before. This wasn't that. And now Reid was afraid to say anything more. He stood with his hands in his pockets and watched as Morgan emptied his belt of all its devices. He heard the gun being set down onto the coffee table. Then Morgan turned his head to let Reid know he felt like he was being watched which made Reid look away instantly.

Reid cleared his throat and hustled to the door, making sure it was locked. He left the desk lamp on. And without another word to Morgan, headed to his bedroom and closed the door.

 

Reid wet his tooth brush, added some toothpaste and began brushing his teeth like he was on a mission. In his mind he kept telling himself something was really wrong. He had no idea what it was. Since going to the bar, the night had been so uneventful. For him. Maybe something happened with Morgan? Maybe he just didn't feel good and didn't want to be bothered. Reid spat out the foamy mess in his mouth and continued brushing. He brushed until he was satisfied and then spat it all out again, some dripping down his chin. He took a handful of water in his hand, swished and rinsed his mouth out, wiping his chin with his wet hand. When he caught his reflection he averted his eyes, not liking how tired he looked.

He began emptying his pockets onto the small counter space. He still had the keys to the SUV. He looked back to make sure the door was closed. He wasn't used to someone else in his place, especially at night. His cell phone beeped. It was an incoming text from Prentiss. She was checking in. He texted her back that he and Morgan had made it back and to have a good night. Right after he hit 'send' he thought maybe he shouldn't have mentioned Morgan. Prentiss was gonna figure this all out if he wasn't more careful.

Reid washed his face and pulled off his vest and tie. He suddenly felt as exhausted as he looked. He could feel how heavy his eye lids were. He gathered as many of the loose items he could and opened his bathroom door, only to find Morgan standing there. Most people would have screamed or jumped, dropped everything… but Reid was as calm as calm could ever be… on the outside. On the inside, when Morgan was suddenly in front of him, he thought his heart had actually skipped a beat. An uncomfortable single ping-like sensation, filtered outward from his chest, up his neck, down his back and away, down his arms. He became flush with his own heat again as he stood motionless in the doorway and waited, not sure what was happening.

Morgan was just standing there, grinding his teeth, working his jaw muscles, staring at Reid. "Spencer," Morgan started. Reid loved that. It sounded a little foreign, but he loved that Morgan had just said his name. "I don't _ever_ … wanna have to burn any bridges with you."

Reid's mouth opened, but he couldn't find his voice to even begin to say anything. He had no idea _what_ to say. He didn't understand. He begged with his eyes for an explanation. And then something changed in Morgan's face like he was telling Reid he was sorry. Reid fought the tears that were threatening his composure. "Don't do this," was all Reid could muster. Morgan looked away. Reid could tell Morgan was arguing with himself. He stepped by Morgan to put the items in his hand onto the nightstand. Morgan watched him, considerate and waiting, like he wanted to talk. "Morgan, what's wrong? What happened? Did I do something?"

Morgan rubbed his hand over his head and sighed. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Blame yourself." Morgan was irritated again already.

Reid ignored his question. "Something must have happened in the last 5 hours and 23 minutes and… and-and," he stopped and restarted. "Morgan, talk to me. Whatever it is, just… pleeease, talk to me."

"You wanna know what happened?" Morgan snapped at Reid, barely waiting for him to finish.

Reid took a deep breath feeling that negative energy building up inside of Morgan. "Yes. Please." He licked his lips, leaving them parted as he breathed from his mouth.

"I got reminded tonight that _I love women_. I love the way they sound. I love the way they move. I love the way they smell. I _love_ the way they taste." The longer he went on, the more heated he sounded. "I love _breasts_. I love _pussy_. And I _love_ making sweet, passionate love to _women_."

Morgan's sudden anger bothered Reid and the fear of rejection tapped on his shoulder again, causing his defenses to go up like armor plating. Reid felt like Morgan was rubbing all of this in his face. Morgan could have any woman he wanted. Why _would_ he choose to be with _Reid_?

"Then why are you here?" Reid sniped. "Either you want to be with me or you don't." A moment passed with neither of them saying anything. Morgan just couldn't understand why Reid thought this was so simple. Reid took a very deep breath before he continued. "We're both attracted to women. That was never a question. You don't have to prove yourself to me, Morgan." Reid maintained eye contact with Morgan, but still watched him very carefully trying to read him. He just looked mad. Angry. Like he was fuming and holding it all in. Just earlier that day, Morgan wanted something more for them and now he was back peddling. Reid knew he was afraid to move forward with their relationship, still grasping very tightly onto anything that made him feel like his heterosexual self.

Morgan's eyes moved left and right toward the floor and he placed his hands on his hips as he became lost in thought. Reid stood with him, patiently waiting. For what, he wasn't sure. "I, uhh.. I'm just gonna go home, Reid," he finally said.

"What? No," Reid pleaded. "No, Morgan. You don't have to leave." His hand landed on Morgan's forearm and squeezed, but Morgan pulled his arm away.

"Where's my keys?"

Reid knew exactly where they were, but Morgan didn't need to know that. "I don't know."

Morgan turned around shaking his head, knowing that Reid was lying through his teeth. He stepped out of the bedroom having the mind to catch a cab or walk home at this point. "Unbelievable," he said to himself.

Reid was getting a little pissed. Morgan wasn't listening to himself. Reid followed closely behind him. "You know what? Never mind. Go ahead, Morgan. _Run away_."

Morgan stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned around so fast that Reid ran into him. "Watch yourself," he threatened just inches from Reid. Again, the look on his face should have scared Reid, but it didn't.

"No," Reid refused. "Morgan, stop fighting it."

Morgan rolled his eyes and turned back around continuing his attempt to leave. He didn't want to, but he didn't feel like his could face this yet. Earlier he felt different, but right now, everything felt wrong. He couldn't ignore it.

In two strides, Reid had a hold of Morgan's hand and pulled him to a stop. "Reid, I swear to God," Morgan said just above a whisper as he turned. The very second they were facing each other Reid took Morgan's head in hands and smashed his lips against Morgan's. Reid fully expected him to pull away, but he didn't. A whimper left Reid's throat as he breathed out of his nose. He opened his mouth against Morgan's lips and cocked his head. Morgan kissed back.

Ignition.

Reid felt it and he could feel it in Morgan. An even louder whimper escaped Reid, something between elation and desperation. He let Morgan's tongue explore the inside of his mouth, needing to taste him. Morgan's hands landed on Reid's lower back and that sent his blood racing to his groin as Morgan pulled them together. The heat flared between them as they pressed their centers against each other. Their kisses became sloppy and wet, uncontrolled and needful.

Morgan pulled away and he and Reid looked at each other, breathing heavily. Morgan restarted the kissing, somethin' hard and deep. Reid's shaking hands and trembling fingers tugged and pulled at Morgan's belt, undoing it.

Reid could feel Morgan's hands on his chest now. He began pulling away from Reid again, but Reid kept trying to keep the kisses going. "Reid, stop." Morgan's request fell on deaf ears. "Reid!" he said louder, grabbing at Reid's hands. Reid tried one more time to kiss Morgan. That was a mistake. In one swift thrust, Reid felt pressure on his chest and he went flying backward into the wall. He cried out as his back and shoulders slammed into the hard surface.

"Christ, Reid! Slow the fuck _down_!"

Reid almost fell from the sheer force of the impact, having the wind knocked out of him, but he righted himself and tried to talk through the pain. "If you would just… listen… to what your body says…" Reid brought his left hand to his right shoulder and held it there as he continued, "Stop telling yourself you don't want it." He winced as he gripped tight onto his arm and held it firmly against his side to keep his shoulder from moving.

Morgan couldn't believe he just did that to Reid. He looked over Reid's shoulder and saw the shadow of a dent in the wall. And there Reid was, pushing through, determined as hell, hardly phased at all.

"I gotta go," he said quietly to Reid as he fixed his belt. He turned around again, heading for the door.

"Derek!" Reid yelled out in all hopelessness.

That stopped Morgan. He heard something in Reid's voice that squeezed at his chest. He stood in place, knowing Reid was right. About running away. About everything. He hung his head, disappointed in himself, frustrated to beat hell. He could feel Reid just behind him and it kept him from taking another step.

"I don't know if I could…" Reid hesitated due to the lump that had just formed in his throat, "…hold it together if you leave again, Morgan."

Morgan turned around and saw the fear in Reid's eyes. It forced the air out of his lungs as if a breath had been stolen from him. Both of them were so lost. They were so lost without each other. But even being in the same room, they still couldn't get it right. In the low light Morgan could see Reid's eyelids brimming with tears and it broke his heart. This all had to stop, one way or another. "Come here, man." Morgan opened his arms to him.

Reid moved into Morgan and they hugged. His shoulder was killing him, but Reid hugged Morgan anyway… and so completely that Morgan thought it might just be one of the best hugs he had ever experienced. Reid's arms were so long they seemed to envelop him. He hugged Reid back with everything he had. They held each other for a few minutes, neither wanting to let go.

"Alright," Morgan said softly. He began to pull away, but Reid squeezed him tight again. "Come on, man. Let me go."

"Never," Reid said into the top of Morgan's shoulder. He felt Morgan's hand rub his back. It lulled him and he could feel the tension easing.

Morgan forced a separation and took Reid's hand, leading him to the couch. They sat down together and Morgan put his arm around Reid and kissed his temple. "I love you, Pretty Boy. We're gonna figure this out."

**Author's Note:**

> Posting here for fear of FanFiction deleting it at some point. Inspiration came from watching Futur31ove and JustJasper on tumblr post conversation about Morgan and Reid as a couple... This was intriguing for me because I couldn't see it. I think that's why this fic has been called 'realistic' by my reviewers. While I was writing this, I was in the same boat as the boys and just as confused as they were while they were coming to terms with the changes in their relationship.


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